


A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes

by Shattered_Reality



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Infertility, Rey’s Abandonment Issues, brief mention of an injury, brief mention of suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-29
Updated: 2019-01-29
Packaged: 2019-10-18 18:49:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17586365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shattered_Reality/pseuds/Shattered_Reality
Summary: Rey gets some devastating news.





	A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is very close to my heart, because it is something I can relate to, unfortunately. I wrote this to help me deal with everything I’m currently going through. Thanks to those of you who took the time out of your day to read this. I appreciate every single one of you <3

Contrary to popular belief, the act of crying was anything but beautiful. Rey had seen plenty of Holodramas to know that crying women were often portrayed with a beauty so delicate, she found herself both in awe, and envy.

She wanted to be beautiful like that.

The reflection staring back at her, however, was nothing short of depressing. Rey had no idea how long she’d sat there, sobbing on the bathroom floor. If the way her head throbbed was any indication, it had probably been awhile.

Her red rimmed eyes were so weak and swollen, it hurt just to keep them open. Tear tracks lined her cheeks, and even her nose was running.

In short, she was a mess.

Rey was glad that she had the foresight to close the bond before her doctor’s appointment. She hadn’t told Ben about this appointment because he was a worrier by nature. This would drive him crazy. With this new information, she was more than thankful she’d thought ahead.

There was no doubt in her mind that Ben had noticed the abrupt closure of the bond. He was smart, and could read her like an open book. Rey supposed that’s what happens when you spend so many years with someone. That person ends up knowing you better than you know yourself.

She had no idea what she’d say to him, if he were to walk through the door. In fact, she was sure her appearance alone, would worry him even more.

Luckily, Ben would be gone with Finn and Poe on a supply run for a few days. This would give Rey plenty of time to collect herself (she hoped), before he returned. She could at least put off the inevitable questions, until later.

With that thought in mind, Rey hoisted herself up with what little strength she had left. Gripping the edges of the sink to steady herself, she made her way out of the bathroom, not bothering to spare another glance toward the mirror.

Rey grabbed her favorite blanket, and curled up on the couch, replaying the events of the day in her mind.

                                   -xXx-

Her appointment with Dr. Kalonia had Rey on the edge of her seat all day, and the days leading up to it. Something about hospitals and doctors always made her nervous, even though Dr. Kalonia had the most wonderful bedside manner Rey had ever experienced. It still wasn’t enough to put her at ease, especially considering the nature of her visit.

Today, Rey was getting test results.

She and Ben had been trying for almost four years to have a baby, with no success. As far as she knew, they’d both been healthy, so Rey couldn’t understand what the problem could be. She hated not knowing.

As she waited for the doctor to enter the room, Rey could feel her anxiety spiking. Her hands were clammy and had begun to shake. Her leg even started bouncing without her permission. She wanted this to be over.

Once the thought crossed her mind, the doctor walked in, a warm smile on her face.

“Hello Rey, how are you feeling today?”

What a loaded question. There were so many ways she could answer that, but she didn’t want to sound like a bumbling idiot.

“Fine I suppose...though I admit I am quite nervous.” Rey figured it was better to just be honest.

Kalonia reached over and gave Rey’s hand a reassuring squeeze. But for some reason, it didn’t seem comforting at all.

“That’s understandable.” She paused for a moment, taking a quick glance at her datapad. “I won’t waste any more of your time, so I’ll get straight to the point.”

This was it. Rey’s heart was racing, feeling like it would leap right out of her chest at any given moment. She wondered vaguely, if the other woman could hear it too.

“Rey, it seems that one of the reasons you’ve had such trouble conceiving, is due in part to an underlying illness that’s gone undiagnosed. It isn’t serious and it is treatable with time and medication, so no need to worry about that. However, what’s more concerning to me, is that there also seems to be an old injury you sustained that never healed correctly. And unfortunately, there’s just too much damage there. Rey, I’m so sorry to say this, but it is unlikely you’ll be able to bear children.”

Rey felt like she was going to throw up. This had to be some kind of joke. It had to be.

“But...how? I don’t understand.”

“I wish more than anything that I had better news to tell you, Rey. I’d say you would’ve had a better chance at conceiving, had the damage from the old injury not been there...but since it is, it makes your chances nearly impossible.”

She felt like passing out now. Rey’s mind was running a mile a minute. How could this be happening? How? An old injury? Of course, she’d been hurt before, but nothing that could cause this type of damage, or so she thought.

“You-you said an old injury, right? How could I have been walking around this whole time and not known about it? I don’t feel any pain at all.” She just didn’t understand. This must be a mistake.

“Sometimes, we don’t know it’s there if we don’t know we should be looking for it. I suspect we never thought to look, because you never complained about any kind of pain. I’d venture to guess, this injury may have occurred during your time on Jakku, though it is impossible to be certain.”

Ah, she understood now. Rey could recall a time when she was around 14 or 15, and she’d lost her footing, falling quite a ways down. There had been no one around to help her, so Rey was left to pick herself up, and limp all the way home.

She could remember the pain vividly.

That had been the worst injury Rey could remember having. She’d been lucky the next day, when an old woman from the village noticed her missing, and walked all the way out to Rey’s makeshift home to check on her. The woman had been shocked at the state she was in, but had tended to her wounds as best she could, though it still wasn’t enough. Rey was out of commission for weeks. Just barely surviving on what little food the old woman had been kind of enough to share with her.

Rey had no idea the damage had been worse than she ever could’ve imagined.

“Rey, are you alright?” Kalonia’s voice brought her back to the present.

Her head was spinning. How the hell could she be alright? There was literally NOTHING “alright” about this.

But, she knew the woman who sat before her. What may have seemed like a stupid question on the surface, was actually one of genuine concern.

“I...I don’t know honestly…” her voice wavering with unshed tears. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Well, there are treatments we can look into but there are risks with that as well, and there is no guarantee you’d be able to carry a child. However if it’s something you wish to pursue, I will do my absolute best to help you. The decision is entirely up to you.”

This was too much.

Rey needed to get out of here before she lost it and broke down in public. She refused to let anyone see her cry. Tears were already threatening to spill any moment now.

“I’ll need to...go home and consider my options. Think over everything.” The words rushing out of her before she could think properly.

“Of course. Rey, if you need anything, anything at all, please don’t hesitate to contact me.”

Rey stood immediately, mumbled a thank you and a goodbye, and quickly left the room.

                                   -xXx-

And that was that. Rey made it home in record time, before she finally allowed herself to succumb to the tears.

It was ironic really, that this would happen to her.

Back on Jakku, Rey never gave much thought to having children. The only thing she was concerned about was surviving long enough to see her parents.

Jakku wasn’t a place for children anyway. If a woman found herself pregnant, it was a death sentence. If she was lucky enough to carry her child to term, she and the child would most likely die within months due to the lack of proper medical care and food. It was a sad reality...one that Rey was determined never to find herself in.

Despite her own fears about becoming a mother, she knew how much Ben wanted a child, though he never pushed her about it. And so, she’d made the decision to have her contraceptive implant removed. Rey hadn’t told him about her decision, since she wanted to surprise him.

And now it seemed, something she didn’t even know she wanted, was brutally ripped away from her.

She wanted to scream.

This was entirely her fault. If only Rey had let go of her childish belief that her parents would return for her, she could have left that desolate place years ago and perhaps, she wouldn’t be in the situation she was now facing.

Logically, she knew that line of thinking would do nothing to help her. But who else was there to blame for this? Absolutely no one. It was all her fault.

Rey’s own abandonment issues were hitting her full force now. She panicked at the thought of what Ben would say...what his mother say. Would they decide to leave her behind when they found out she couldn’t do the one thing every woman was built for?

What could she possibly say to her husband? Rey knew how much he longed for a child of his own, and now she would have to tell him the awful truth, breaking his heart in the process. Rey was only 27, and felt like such an utter failure. She couldn’t even give her husband the one thing he wanted most in the galaxy.

What would Leia think of her? Surely she’d look upon Rey as a disappointment, wouldn’t she? Leia had been dropping not so subtle hints about grandchildren for awhile now, and normally, it never bothered her. But how could she ever hope to face the older woman now? Deep down, she knew Leia loved her like a daughter and would never cast her aside, even though the ugly voices in her head tried to convince her otherwise.

Some sick part of her even thought that maybe, just maybe, they were better off without her. Ben could marry again, find a woman who could give him the family he’d always wanted. And Leia could have all the grandchildren her heart desired. They would be so happy without her in the picture.

The thing was, Rey didn’t think she’d be able to live knowing Ben was happy with someone else. Which meant she’d have to-

No.

A fresh round of hot tears spilled down her cheeks. Rey hadn’t even realized she’d started crying again. She felt so ashamed to have caught herself going down such a dark path. Never before had a thought like this crossed her mind, but now? It came out of nowhere.

Squeezing her eyes shut, Rey took a deep breath and tried to center herself. She would need to pull herself together, if there was any hope at all for a proper conversation with Ben.

She couldn’t let him see her fall apart like this. It would break him.

                                   -xXx-

At some point Rey must have fallen asleep, for she was jolted awake by the feeling of a gentle hand stroking her hair.

Forcing her eyes to open, she found the familiar figure of her husband, kneeling beside the couch. He smiled warmly when he noticed she was awake.

“Ben? You’re home?”

Even through the haze of sleep, Rey knew he wasn’t supposed to return for another two days.

“I’m sorry sweetheart, I didn’t mean to startle you. But to answer your question, I decided to come home early.”

She studied that face of his, the one she’d come to know so well. He was like an open book to her. There was something else he wasn’t telling her yet.

“And?” She hadn’t meant for it to sound as harsh as it did, but judging by the look on her husband’s face, he didn’t seem to take it personally.

“And…I was worried about you.” He hesitated for a moment, before continuing, “the bond’s been closed for days. You’ve never done that before. I-I was afraid something happened to you. I tried to get home as fast as I could.”

There it was. She should’ve expected this to be one of the first things he’d say, but somehow, she’d been hoping to have just a little more time to get herself together, before she had to shatter his dreams.

Rey lifted her hand and gently caressed his face. The Force had truly blessed her with such a loving man. Sometimes Rey found herself wondering what she’d done to deserve such love.

“Oh...I’m sorry about that Ben. I really didn’t mean to cause you to worry. I’ve just had so much on my mind, and I didn’t want to bother you.”

“Rey, sweetheart, you know you could never bother me right? You can tell me anything. I never want you to feel like you need to keep things all to yourself.”

And just like that, the dam burst wide open. Despite Rey’s best efforts, those tears she’d fought so hard to get rid of, came back full force.

A strong pair of arms wrapped around her, and Rey found herself holding onto them for dear life. He let her cry into his shoulder for what seemed like hours, and when her sobs finally quieted, he took the chance to speak.

“Rey, please talk to me...tell me what’s going on?”

She mumbled something in response, something he couldn’t understand. He lifted her head gently, away from his shoulder to look into her eyes.

He was sure he’d never seen her look so...broken.

“It’s all my fault Ben. You-you’re going to hate me, even though I didn’t mean for this to happen, I-”

“Rey, you’re not making any sense. Why would I ever hate you? I could never, ever hate you. I love you too much.” He hated to cut her off, but he really needed to make sure his wife understood this.

“I’m not so sure you’ll feel the same way after I tell you.” She said, refusing to make eye contact.

“Nothing you ever tell me, would change the way I feel about you, Rey. That, I can assure you of.” He’d said with such conviction, that Rey almost forgot what she had to say. She wanted so much to believe him.

Rey finally looked into his eyes, seeing nothing but love and sincerity reflected back at her. She couldn’t put this off any longer. He deserved the truth.

Her heart racing, she took a deep breath, “Ben, I can’t have children.” The words seemed to fall right out of her mouth as she relayed everything Dr. Kalonia had told her earlier.

Silence.

The only thing that could be heard was the sound of their breathing.

Still, more silence followed. The look on his face was unreadable. She had to say something.

“I-I know this is a lot to take in, and I’ll-I’ll understand if you wish to-to see someone else-”

At that, Ben’s eyes shot up to meet hers. Her heart broke at the pain she saw reflected in his gaze.

“How could you ever say such a thing Rey! How could you?” He sniffed. Oh Force, Ben was crying. She didn’t think she could handle seeing him this way.

“I just thought-”

“Rey, do you have any idea how much I love you? Any at all?” He sounded borderline angry, despite the tears in his eyes.

Of course she knew. Ben told her all the time. But would it be enough?

“Not even all the stars in the galaxy combined, could ever equal how much I love you.” He said, repeating the mantra he always said to her.

“I know, but-” she started, but he was quicker.

“But nothing, Rey. I love you more than my next breath. And I’m certainly never leaving you. The only way I could, is if I die, and I don’t plan on doing that for a very long time sweetheart.”

“Ben, I can’t give you the one thing you’ve always longed for. How can you be alright with that?” She was choking back another sob now, trying desperately to be strong. For Ben.

“Do you think I fell in love with you and married you for what you could give me? Because that’s not why I did.” He paused for a moment, wiping tears from his eyes.

“Rey, you-you saw me when no one else would. Everyone else in my life had written me off as a lost cause, and then, you came along.” Swallowing back another round of tears, he continued, “you changed everything for me. Challenged everything I thought I believed in, and most importantly you never gave up on me. You saw the good in me when no one else did. You brought me back to the light, just by being yourself. You are my light, and my life, Rey. And I’m never giving you up. Never.”

Rey was silent, so he continued.

“I know I’m not always the best with words, but I need you to understand this.” He said, gently wiping a stray tear from Rey’s face. “Nothing in the whole galaxy would ever make me change my mind about you. Every good thing I have in my life is because of you, Rey. Everything. You make my life worth living. And I’ll keep saying it, until you believe me.”

“I believe you.” And she did. Hearing Ben speak as he did, she realized how foolish it was to ever doubt him and how her words must have hurt him. “I’m sorry for doubting you, Ben. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just...wanted you to be happy.”

“But sweetheart, you make me happy. You do know that, right?”

“Yes, I do now.” Ben was well aware of Rey’s abandonment issues because of her parents. He couldn’t deny that her words hurt, that she could really believe he’d toss her aside. But he understood where it came from, and he would spend an eternity proving to her that he could never do that, if that’s what it took.

“Good. Because there’s nothing in this galaxy we can’t handle together. We’ll get through this sweetheart. If you want to pursue treatment, then I’ll be with you every step of the way. Or, we could adopt. We will be parents one day, somehow.”

She couldn’t understand how Ben could be so hopeful. Usually, she was the one having to convince him, that all was not lost. Now, the tables had turned.

Taking his larger hand in her own, Rey gripped his hand tightly, not wanting to let go. “How can you be so optimistic about all this?”

Instead, he reached over and playfully tugged on a stray curl, “I have an excellent teacher.” He said, smiling.

“Oh is that so?” Rey found it surprisingly easy to smile and play along.

“Mhmm, it also helps that my teacher is pretty good looking too.”

“Really now? I think I might need to have a word with this teacher of yours. Don’t you think?”

Ben laughed at that. And soon, so did Rey. Just hours before, it was as if all the joy had been sucked out of the world. She couldn’t even imagine smiling, let alone laughing.

But her other half knew just what to do.

Without thinking, Rey threw her arms around her husband again. Not even a second later, she felt his strong arms wrapping carefully around her.

“I love you so much, Ben Solo.”

The Force worked in mysterious ways, and even now, after all her training, there were still parts of it she didn’t quite understand. But there was one thing she knew for certain, and that was she trusted in the Force completely.

She didn’t know why they had to go through this pain, but there had to be a reason behind it. She refused to believe things just happened. Rey had the Force with her, and most importantly, she had Ben by her side.

There was nothing they couldn’t face together and somehow, she knew it would all be alright.


End file.
